NES Review #2: Bad Street Brawler

They got the "bad" part right! "Bad Street Brawler", (Not to be confused with "Bradstreet Brawler", the game where female writer and poet Anne Bradstreet ((1612-1672))got her revenge) produced by Mattel in September 1989, is a limp-wristed rehash and very, very silly. Taking the mindless, repetitive beat-em-up style of Renegade, crossing it with River City Ransom without any of the wit, style or playability, and taking the retro-50's rock n' roll soundtrack from both games, "BSB" as I like to call it, is a ridiculous exercise in futility.
Seemingly thinking the kids of 1989 would truly get behind a hero in late middle age dressed in yellow lederhosen but without pants, this inexplicably effeminate and puzzling main hero is truly strange choice for an action protagonist. Every level you get 2 different moves - variations on punch and kick, which breaks up the redundancy somewhat - but you don't get to keep the moves you've earned or come to know. (Not that you'd want to keep the kick move you are given for level one. It is an effeminate slide that I dubbed "jazzercise".To see an underwear-clad man do this to a dog is quite a sight.) They simply change every level. You gain nothing, unlike the excellent Mighty Final Fight, a top-notch NES title I am a huge fan of.





The "bad streets" consist of pleasant parks at night, and you are "brawling" with dogs and apes. Later on, there is a baddie that resembles Michael Richards' Kramer from Seinfeld. It is possible all this is done in a spirit of fun, but that is unclear. A further example of the supposed potential humor of the game comes in the form of the pre-level screen, which always contain some kind of saying. My personal favorite is "Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you" --that's the BEST one. Truer words were never spoken. Why this game needs maxims, epigrams, sayings, poems, sonnets or anything like that is yet another confusing layer to this game which obscures any potential humor value.



You may notice he is a "thug-thrashing defender of freedom." Indeed.



Now that I've trashed the game somewhat, I'd like to say that this game is so bad, to many players, it becomes somewhat fun. Not GOOD, mind you, but, perhaps if you are in the right mood, fun. Kind of like the infamous "Yo! Noid", but not as controller-smashingly annoying. Yes, the controls are erratic and unresponsive (that's bad in a beat-em-up, especially one with a bunch of strikes already against it.) But, mind you, it was part of the "Power Glove series". It is impossible to imagine playing this game with the Power Glove. It is hard enough with your bare hands. Or fingerless gloves. I had a Power Glove. It didn't work. That's all. However, the Power Glove did have something of a post-NES life. In the short-lived TV show of "The Flash", the bad guy in one episode wore the Power Glove as part of his outfit. It's weird to be watching TV and then yell out "hey! that guy is wearing the Power Glove! Who are they trying to fool?", but, even more uninterestingly, the poor, misunderstood Glove appeared, on the box art at least, of the Jenna Jameson/Nikki Tyler porn film, "Virtual Reality 69". (I tried to find a picture of this for you, but I couldn't.) I doubt they have ever played "Bad Street Brawler". How far you have fallen, Power Glove. We hardly knew ye. Oh, and Bad Street Brawler could be considered a masochistic guilty pleasure if you can find it. I apologize for being so hard on it.

I am against illegal immigration

My first question when it comes to the subject of "illegal immigration" is: why are we even debating this? Why is it even on the national/international radar of something that people are now arguing about? It has the word "ILLEGAL" IN the thing you are arguing about! This must be a debate all-time first. No one usually debates "illegal murder" or "illegal robbery" -- this has not yet come up, though thanks to political correctness, it may one day. That may sound crazy, but I bet we'd never see the day that we'd be debating "Illegal immigration", that there would be people that are FOR something with the word ILLEGAL in the very thing they are debating for. That would seem too crazy. But apparently it is true. These people believe our country would be better off if the rule of law was thrown out the window, despite the fact that it has served us pretty well the past couple of hundred years.
I would like to make it clear that I am all for foreigners coming here, but you have to follow a couple of simple rules: Do it legally, get a job, don't commit any crimes, and learn English. (I'm not saying you have to forget your other language, just know English as well. Even if I were to go to a foreign country for a short visit, I would try to learn some of the words and phrases. If you want to LIVE here for the rest of your life, there's really no excuse). If you follow these basic rules, I welcome you with open arms. Apparently this is asking way too much and certain rich white liberals would find that statement offensive.
If foreigners come here illegally, it is a slap in the face to all the ones who patiently waited in line and took the test and did it legally. It is an insult to all the other foreigners, or former foreigners, that respect this country enough to do it right.
I guess the thing that offends me the most about illegal immigration (despite the fact that it is illegal, let's not lose sight of that), is that: They want to come here because this country is a great place to live and much better than the country they are fleeing. But yet they do not respect our laws, which is how this country GOT to be the country they want to come to in the first place.

What makes a country a country are rules and laws and, of course, its borders. If America never had any laws or borders, it wouldn't be such a hot place to live and the illegals would not want to come here as badly, if at all, for the opportunities they see here. They can't have it both ways. They can't want to live here and keep this country great, and work here, much less get government money, yet come here illegally. They can't have their cake and eat it too.
More than that, the ones that come here illegally and then proceed to commit crimes, clog up the legal system, and then the jails which we pay for. And the welfare and handouts which we pay for. People that should not be here in the first place. And liberals defend this despite the fact that they've never spoken to an illegal or met one in person, except maybe their gardener.
I know this is "a country of immigrants" and "we are all immigrants" and all that, and that's fine, I know that already. But generations ago, when our forefathers came here, they came through Ellis Island and "Signed the Book". They did not sneak in, with a total disrespect for our laws and all that makes this country great, yet demanding all the perks that America has to offer. At least mine didn't.
It is that duplicitous, two-faced, ungrateful nature of illegal immigration I hate so much. I don't feel I am going out on a limb here, taking the wild, crazy stance of being AGAINST something Illegal. WOW! Imagine that! What a wacky point of view! "are you sure he said AGAINST illegals? What a nutjob! Where'd he get those crazy notions?"

Andy Gibb on Punky Brewster

This is from when Andy Gibb was on the show Punky Brewster...It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard...and I have heard many songs in my time...this is an extremely sweet moment...Please enjoy this slice of pure heaven

A Tribute To Greatness In Entertainment

The temptation here at this blog is to get too negative about life. Well, that would be unfair. From what I've been able to gather, life is generally mediocre or bad, with scattered moments of greatness, like a a desert with a few scattered grains of emerald sand.
Since everyone turns to TV, movies, music, sports and such for entertainment to dilute the awfulness of life, I find it disappointing who is held up as role models and the quality of "stars" out there today. I'm not going to go further into it, or name any names, you fill in the blanks. So today I hope to show, once again, how much better the past was than the present is. You may notice that is a theme with me. Expect many blog posts about this in the future. Almost all of them deal with that in one way or another. So, in that spirit, I present to you: A Tribute to Greatness In Entertainment!

MUSIC


Liberace has sold millions of albums, I think. It's hard not to love this picture, as well as this man's lust for... "life". Millions of blue-haired ladies who are unaware of the concept of "gay" were, and, I'm sure, still are huge fans. He made millions of dollars, has a museum and got to live life to the max his way. You gotta love that. I mean, I'm not totally convinced he was gay.

BASEBALL


I know nothing about Rollie Fingers, or about baseball in general, but two things: he has a great name, and even without the mustache, he would be a legend just with that name alone, but couple that together with that 'stache, this man is a God. NO ONE could come out like him today. Now baseball is all about scandals, juicing and guys with giant heads. The world needs another Rollie Fingers.

GAME SHOWS


In the 70's Richard Dawson would kiss all the female contestants because it was the 70's - their spirits were free and there was a harmless, freewheeling sense, if they thought about it at all, that it was OK to kiss and love in an overriding spirit of friendship and good will, it was all part of the zeitgeist. Now, we live in an age where that is frowned upon and it's all about lawsuits, sexual harrassment and STD's and that's why I'm angry and disappointed and life sucks and I hate everyone.


NO, not you! You're everywhere! Get out of here! Can't I mention the words "game show" without you magically appearing?

WRESTLING


Back when the WWE was the WWF, and before those selfish and pesky annoyances at the World Wildlife Fund had their way, and before the term "sports entertainment" was ever coined, there was a warrior. An ULTIMATE warrior. Not to be confused with the Yul Brynner film of the same name, I feel that this picture says it all. Mainly because I don't know anything about the Mr. Warrior. Was he the guy that demanded we "Snap into a Slim Jim"? Because I doubt he would have that muscular physique if he snapped into a bunch of Slim Jims. Why wouldn't he hawk something healthier? NO ONE knows what are in Slim Jims. NO ONE! Not even Jim himself!!! But I digress.

TALK SHOWS/EXCERCISE & FITNESS


Sweatin' To The Oldies and Deal a Meal rebelled against the previous generation, defiantly declaring "we don't want to do things your way!" Looking at it in today's perspective, they were clearly more cultural statements than anything else. Expect to see this graphic many more times in the future. I mean, I'm still not totally convinced he is gay.

TELEVISION


Who didn't love this man's double takes and reactions? Not to mention his physical movements and voice? Today's TV stars could learn a lot. Learn from the past. Shame on everyone. I mean, I'm still not totally convinced...ah, never mind.

MOVIES


I LOVE Ernest Borgnine. If you don't love him, I hate you. His Oscar-winning movie career (Marty, a great movie) is absolutely stellar, with many, many classics, and his TV work such as McHale's navy has gone down in history as classic. The icing on the cake is he is from HAMDEN! He is a Hamden High graduate, and there is an Ernest Borgnine park in Hamden (actually a small bit of excess grass in front of a brown wall, he deserves better) and an Ernest Borgnine Way (actually the driveway leading up to a golf course, he deserves better) -- You HAVE to love him. He is still going today, with his TV movies and traveling the country in his bus. He is like everyone's Grandpa. God bless this great man.

BASKETBALL/RAP/VIDEO GAMES


It takes one many years of training to learn Shaq Fu, and should one be lucky enough to be able to execute the infamous Shaq Attaq -- notice that's spelled with a Q (interesting, seeing some of the other people on this list). Apparently Hawking Icy Hot Medicated Pads hasn't slowed down this scary giant. If anything, it has increased his already huge powers. Was he the first guy to be successful at basketball, thus thinking he could rap well? Or were people just too scared to tell him "No"? Nevertheless, he is a true trailblazer. A big, scary, possibly insane trailblazer.

EVERYTHING ELSE (MASTER OF ALL MEDIA)


What can I say that hasn't already been said? I'm NOT going to make fun of him. (Or, in other terms, "hassle the Hoff") I wouldn't dream of hasslin' the Hoff. Or Wrasslin' the Hoff.

If you liked this more visual piece, do let me know. I enjoyed presenting it to you.

HONORABLE TV MENTION


They could never do this show today due to political correctness. Those PC snobs won't rest until all great stuff is gone. Who knows what other classic material fell under their blade? It's just a shame. Now I'm mad. Well, I'm really OK now. I'll save an anti-PC rant for another day. I want to go out on a positive note. Good night and Godspeed!

It's not worth it

Technically, I have two jobs. One is at a certain polling institute, and we'll get to that job at a later time, because my desire to write about it is not that strong because the job is not that bad. A much more pressing problem is my supposed "other" job, and I shudder now as I write this and reveal this to the world, a...(sigh)...substitute in a high school. A sure sign that your life is not exactly on the right track, or at least that it's not going in the direction you imagined it would, is if you are currently a sub. It takes no skills, interview or qualifications - if you managed to graduate college, you're in. They're so desperate to find people to be subs, beggars can't be choosers. The fact that you need to be a college graduate to do this job is laughable. A kindergarden graduate is overqualified to be a sub and they would no doubt find the cursed position insulting to their intelligence.
I certainly would never be so pompous as to call myself a substitute "teacher" - absolutely nothing even remotely resembling actual teaching goes on. If I MUST mention it, I take the most inoffensive and barely noticeable term there is, merely a "sub", and that could be ANYTHING!
Unfortunately though, it's not just anything. It's a horrid tunnel-of-love through the bowels and intestinal tract of a disciplineless, anarchic society at its utter worst.
You first enter the yawning (and I DO mean yawning!) mouth of hell when the unforgiving, merciless phone rings at 5:30 AM. No matter when you go to bed, this brutal noise is like being awakened by someone viciously slapping your face. It breaks a sleep cycle, so even if I went to bed at 7 PM, I would still be disgustingly awakened by it. Besides, I want, and need, to have some time to myself and to actually live. I don't want to just work and sleep, and feel lucky that I have some spare time to eat and go to the bathroom. I at least need some time to figure out how to get OUT of this awful situation as soon as possible. Additionally, I read lack of sleep reduces the number of white blood cells in your body, making you less healthy and less able to fight sickness and disease. There are probably whole books on the benefits of sleep and the bad things that come from lack of it. But then again I suppose it's worth it if I can babysit a bunch of disrespectful and loud, vulgar animals, and get paid almost nothing to do so.
It does seem that the kids are louder than they were when I went to school. They are constantly yelling, screaming and laughing absurdly loudly ALL the time. You can't walk down the dark, overcrowded halls, clogged with nonmoving, uncaring students without someone literally yelling in your ear. Most of the students have to be yelled at by teachers just to get to class, because none want to go and it is very hard to make them do anything they don't want to do. And if a sub happens to have some stupid busywork "ditto" to hand out, by the time they all shuffle and shamble out of class, most are on the floor with dusty, dirty footprints on them. They line up at the door before the end of class because they can't wait to get out, and kids ask they entire period to go to the bathroom. I know that's mostly not where they're going, but I don't care, because the less students in the class, the less noisy and chaotic it is. And if you think they would actually listen to my vain pleas for them not to act this way, you are naive and clearly have never done this job.
They keep all the bathroom doors locked, except for when class is going on, so If I have to actually go to the bathroom, I have to luck into someone with a key, or go all the way to the main office, where the woman with the keys seems annoyed when I ask and always rolls her eyes. Like I'm one of the students, who, like me, float through the day and learn nothing. The only difference is they actively fight AGAINST learning anything. But the fight is not too hard because the wall of noise does most of the work for them, shielding them against almost any educational content.
Trying to leave at the blessed, merciful end of the day is a struggle because all the kids are coming out, all the buses are leaving, and all the other faculty and staff is also trying to high-tail it out of that hellhole as well. By the time I fight my way out of the parking lot, it's almost time for my other job.
So, after taxes, you get about sixty dollars for the day. That barely covers the gas it takes to get there. I'm at the point where I'd gladly pay the sixty dollars just to sleep another few hours. If that is the cost, it's well worth it. So let's recap: Horribly early wake-up call, loud, annoying students, locked bathrooms, rock-bottom pay. WHAT is the incentive? What? Nothing about this so-called "job" is worth it. My utter indifference when I am there is all over my face. They don't pay nearly enough for me to even attempt to feign like I want to be there. I submit to you that this is not a job, it's an ABUSE. An actual abuse that is detrimental to my psychological, emotional, mental, spiritual and physical well-being. But that's worth sixty dollars a day, right?

NES: gray box of wonderment and joy

Anyone who knows me knows I love NES. I prefer the term "NES" over "Nintendo" because "Nintendo" could refer to the company, or any of the newer systems, like Super Nintendo, N64 or even Wii. There is only one NES.
Sure, the video games of today have "better" graphics and lifelike cinemas, but are overly complex and lack the overall sense of pure fun you get with an NES game. These new controllers have several hundred buttons and are space age and wireless. All I need is a small,square controller and TWO buttons: A and B!
Plus, the concept of cinema sequences between levels was developed during the NES days. One only need look at Ninja Gaiden and its sequels to appreciate this idea in its infancy. That whole idea was cutting edge and there are many games today that are being remade (of course) such as Ninja Gaiden for PS3. I have no interest in this however, and it shows a complete lack of creativity, and even a certain dishonesty. What I mean is, much like the movie industry as it stands today, with its endless barrage of sequels and remakes, is incredibly lazy and takes for granted the ingenuity and brilliance of the past.
For example, what if the filmmakers of the past decided to just thoughtlessly remake what came before, rather that create new ideas? Then what would the lazy filmmakers of today have to remake? They are utterly dependent on the fact that the idea men of the past were original. Similarly, cover bands are dependent on the fact that the bands of the past were original. If THOSE bands of the past chose to be lazy and uncreative, there would be nothing for these modern day bands to cover. See what I mean? It's just irresponsible to take and take from the past - what if the people back then had done that?
OK, enough about that. I think you get my point. Nintendo came in at a low point for video games in the 80's. They marketed it more like a VCR for the whole family (hence the Japanese name, Famicom, or , Family Computer), and, compared to its ancestors, was a quantum leap forward: Bright colors, fun gameplay, 8 bits (all you really need!), and games with plots and recognizable characters. Some, like Mario and Donkey Kong became legends in their own right, whose worldwide popularity still continues to this day. (somehow, lesser characters and knockoffs like Kid Kool languish in obscurity.)









Of course, pure absurdity and even surrealism played a huge part in the appeal of the NES: It must have been a huge gamble for a fledgling (in the U.S.) company to bet the farm on a video game about two Italian plumbers that fight goombas and ride down flagpoles at the end of levels, and games like Stinger (see previous review), Gun Nac, Monster Party, and Little Nemo the Dream Master amply provide evidence for this. Almost every NES game had some kind of absurd element, from the strange enemy here to the endearing "Engrish" mistranslation there (see pretty much any game with text, but the most famous examples are Zelda 2 and Metal Gear).
At its peak, NES was so popular, many things became games that probably shouldn't. What would Robert Lous Stevenson have made of the game "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"? and what about "Yo! Noid", a game featuring that li'l sprite that ruins pizzas? (any game that features the credit "Domino's Pizza Presents" on the title screen should be some cause for concern.) And many movie adaptations have been made as well: everything from Nightmare on Elm Street to Wayne's World to Hudson Hawk have received the 8 bit treatment - all this simply in attempt to ride the coattails of the NES' popularity.
The bottom line is, for kids of my generation, children of the 80's, especially boys, are inextricably linked to this machine. If you could condense my childhood into one single material object, the NES would certainly be it. It truly changed the world - and to be there at the outset of this revolution was quite a thing. Kids in my elementary school constantly talked about it: I remember a kid on my bus had just gotten it and had the poster that came with it advertising all the games with little screenshots, and many other kids crowded around to look at this poster and marvel at all the colorful secrets and potential hours of fun it promised.
One of the fondest moments of my young life, perhaps the most fond, is when my Mom pulled me out of school on a normal day - not a holiday or birthday, nothing - to go buy the NES. I still regard that as a special moment in time. And that's just it: NES simply represents nostalgia as well as fun games. Could there be a better invention?

Children are NOT our future

I'm just so tired of people using their kids as an excuse as to why the rest of us cannot do things. You can't call after a certain hour because "I'm putting my kids to bed" (apparently this is a long, complicated process of James Bondian circuitousness). There can't be certain types of entertainment because "what about the children??!!!??" will be shrieked in hysterical tones. In fact, if lazy parents don't want to do something, or deem something is inappropriate - because, after all, they have appointed themselves moral guardians now that they have KIDS - they can just trot out that old canard "WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS?"
Well, kids are not a shield for your newfound puritanical views. Not EVERYTHING in this world needs to be for kids. How did adults get strongarmed out of certain things in life by nonliterate, diaper-wearing overgrown sperm cells?
Also, you're not going to be rewarded for your kid-having ways (except, perhaps, by the government). As a society, we should stop giving latitude to people because they squeezed out a kid or two. That's NOT, I repeat, NOT a talent and should not be treated as such. It has been done by literally billions of people over the years, and the urge to procreate is ingrained in humans to keep the species going. That's all it is. It's not an open license to turn the world into a sickening Disney channel of spoiled tots and their simpering, pathetic parents.
As we all know, an intelligence test is not required to start the breeding process. The world is upside down: instead of rewarding the breeders, we should reward the brave, intelligent, strong souls who have had the forsight and will and sympathy NOT to have bring yet more people into this world. Where's our reward? Where's our recognition? Where's our accolades?
The solution to all this world's problems is certainly not MORE people. So in response to all the parents of the world's lily-livered whining about their "kids", I say, we shouldn't feel bad for you, feel sad for you, feel sympathy or empathy for you, or, most importantly, in any way be manipulated by you simply because you weakly chose to have a kid, or, worse, more than one.
If you love them so much, as the accepted default cliche goes, STOP using them as an excuse, or as an OUT for something you don't want to see or do. To have kids can't simultaneously be a blessing and a handicap, depending on which way the wind blows that day. You CHOSE to have kids. No more sympathy.

NES review #1: STINGER

Stinger is a great, and extremely fun game released on the Konami label in September 1987. This was sandwiched inbetween the releases of Gradius in December 1986 and Contra in February 1988, signaling quite a creative tear for the label. Gradius and Contra of course became classics, even archetypes of their respective subgenres (those being space shooter and run n' gun, respectively). This of course to say nothing of further winners such as Life Force, Double Dribble, and the hilariously titled Rush N Attack (let's not forget this was the time of Reagan and the cold war), and misses, however noble the intention, like The Adventures of Bayou Billy.
Somehow, though, the greatness of Stinger fell through the cracks. Much like the lesser known artists during the renaissance, when even being a great artist was not enough in the boom time of Leonardo and Michaelangelo, and later on, when even being a great band in the late 60's was not quite enough, when the public was spoilt for choice with bands like the Beatles, Rolling Stones and the Who and countless others. Inevitably, material that deserved notice, and would have gotten it under any normal circumstances, had to be in the shadows.



Such is life, and seemingly also the fate of Stinger. I remember playing the game as a child in the late 80's, and being struck by the originality of the game, as well as the attractive bright colors and music - of course a must for any NES game.
In the game, you fly through various worlds and shoot at various household objects: hangers, popsicles, jelly rolls, records and the like. All the while, you shoot at bells that fall from clouds. If you shoot the bells enough times, you can get improved weaponry and power-ups, but you can't spend too much time doing this, or you will lose focus and the baddies will get you. Addiction and constant continues ensue.
The first level is horizontal, and the second vertical, and so on. This breaks up monotony and was a common feature of Konami games (i.e. Contra, Super C, etc.) The bells are in the sky, the baddies come at you fast and furious in various formations in the middle of the screen, and there are secrets and extra points at the bottom of the screen as well. This keeps the game interesting and exciting and constantly replayable. It is also 2-player simultaneous (a feature disappointingly absent from the first Double Dragon, obviously I'm still a bit bitter about that), so to play with someone else makes it easier and fun to find all the secrets and combat the onslaught of evil objects.
The bosses are great: Evil watermelon, Evil hot dog, Evil faucet (which attacks with evil bubbles - a perplexing constant in NES games - expect more on this later) - Evil VCR, only in a later level does a more traditional evil demon appear as a boss. The programmers' ability to turn mundane objects we see every day into aggressive enemies that kidnap your grandfather, is a stroke of genius that would not be equaled until September 1991 when ASCII released the awesome GUN NAC, the semi-sequel to the also excellent ZANAC, when evil carrots and bunnies assailed you.
Just a quick word about the music: it is always bright and upbeat and infectious, just like the game itself. I especially like the music during "Let's Go Bonus Game" - it will surely put a smile on your face. And isn't that what it's all about, people?



In conclusion, Stinger represents a golden time when NES games were pure fun - an enjoyable experience in the halcyon times before Joe Lieberman droned on about how Mortal Kombat corrupts absolutely. If you have an NES, please pick up Stinger on Amazon or Ebay if you haven't already. You will be happy you did.

A Boy Named Guy

Have you ever known anyone named "Guy"?
How uncreative of a parent are you to settle for this?
I just imagine two parents lovingly standing over their newborn baby...
Father: I love this little guy.
Mother: Me too.
Father: But what should we name him?
Then they slowly turn their heads and look at each other in a moment of realization.
Both in unison: I know! Guy!
Then they both laugh, high-five and there is a freeze frame and credits roll.

There was a kid in my elementary school named Guy, and I can only imagine the above scenario is a verbatim recreation of an actual event. He wasn't French, and it wasn't pronounced "Gee" -- As much as I'd love to imagine so, I somehow doubt Guy De Maupassant's parents went throught the above play that inevitably, all Guy-Naming Parents (or GNP's, as I like to call them) go through.
So parents of the world, if you MUST have children, and the MUST be male, get some creativity! Don't settle for the first generic appellation that comes into your head! Don't you realize you're condemning your child, who you presumably love, to a life of "who was that guy?" "Oh, that guy", "I hate that guy", "who's that guy standing over there", "that's the guy, officer", etc., etc., until your little guy dies, and on his grave it simply reads "here lies Guy", and the people of the future scratch their heads in confusion.

My Movies #2: In a World

...In the spirit of the last post, where rival factions come together to overcome their differences...democrats and republicans, tastes great and less filling, toffifay and faygo...I present the second installment of my movie series, "In a world", the heartwarming tale of two movie trailer voice over artists that realize they have more in common than they realize. My friends Brendan ("In a world" guy) and Anthony ("Just when you thought it was safe" guy) star in this movie that should make some kind of sense to anyone that has seen a movie trailer.

Grocery Store Horror

When you're young, going to the grocery store is a wondrous, magical experience. You see all the food, the products, and the shoppers all in an overwhelming and bewildering array of colors and smells. The world seems filled with endless possibilities and it is quite exciting.
I don't know how it is in your town, but at one of the Stop and Shops in Hamden (I don't mean to get too deeply into semantics here, but if I've stopped, how can I possibly shop?), they've certainly seemed to put the kibosh on any of that "childhood wonder" crap. It's almost as if they had a meeting and then came out against it. Their "solution"? Make it as depressing a place as possible.
When you first get there, you can't help but notice the ground and parking lot is muddy and trash-strewn. The guy assigned to collect the carts (apparently they don't fire these people easily) talks and yells to himself and is clearly homeless. I guess if he is going to be outside all day anyway, it is a good thing that S&S has employed him.
As you try to walk in the front door, you are accosted and harrassed by every one from black beggars to the KKK. Not to mention girl scouts, and school sports teams and their diabolical pyramid money making scheme of selling candy bars. I'm sure the profit there is through the roof.
If you can make it inside past this rabble, you are greeted with giant placards and posters hanging from the ceiling of pale, bald children with leukemia and cancer. This macabre decor officially turns the place into a house of horror, and whoever thought this would make sense in a place where you shop for food is beyond me. When the dying children's faces, names, and simulated signatures are blown up 1000 times, it really drills in an unnecessarily poignant and funereal feeling that, in my opinion, has no place in Stop and Shop. It is insulting that the decision was made to force people to confront this kind of thing in a grocery store, knowing that human beings need food and they have no choice. That right there is a tacit admission that those huge placards do not belong there.
On the wall next to all the shambling, pathetic schlubs waiting in an eternal line at the bank, are many more little pieces of paper taped to the wall with people's names on them, indicating they gave money to help yet more sick and dying people. Not only does this perfect the uncalled-for somber nature of the place, it tries to make you feel guilty for not joining in. Guilt is not an emotion going to the grocery store should bring on.
Enough already! They might as well have a giant sign that says "Everything you see around you will eventually be waste! We're all gonna die! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" hanging from the ceiling as well.
I'm sympathetic to the plight of suffering children. But I think it is inappropriate of Stop and Shop to shove this sad aspect of life in people's faces. My gripe is obviously with that company and no one else.
On a lighter note, since I try to include related pictures with my posts, here are pictures of two real, and hilariously named food products:




This is a great combination for breakfast, lunch, or dinner...
I mean, Toffifay just seems like a convoluted way to just say "toffee", and Faygo seems like a vague slur (why don't they just add a "silent" T to the end of the word and let that be the end of it?) I leave you with just one question... at this point in history, can TOFFIFAYGO be very far behind??????

Tattoos

Have you ever seen somebody with a tattoo (or, worse, a lot of tattoos) that just look like dirt? The impulse is there to ask them, "Ugh! Why are your arms so dirty?" But then you do a double take and say to yourself, "Oh, it's just a tattoo".


Personally, there has never been an image or phrase that I have deemed so special or incredibly important that I want it on myself forever. I have to ask myself what the audience for my tattoos would be. I would only be getting the tattoo to impress others, or out of a sense of peer pressure because it is a trend (among people my age anyway. I'm fully aware that the practice of tatooing, like the brewing and drinking of beer and other alcohol, whose popularity is still hanging on quite well, has been around since the dawn of time.)

For example, can you imagine loving the awful band The Deftones THIS much:



I wish I loved ANYTHING as much as this guy loves The Deftones. I am jealous of this man's Joie d' vivre. The lord bless and keep him. And I doubt this man's arms:



...has anything at all to do with the great Lee Van Cleef film of the same name? Here's a picture unrelated to the movie:



To quote Mr. Van Cleef, "See you in hell, kid!"
*NOTE: this piece is not meant in any way to be a condemnation of people with tattoos. It is simply a personal view. However, it is a condemnation of people with bad tattoos.

My Movies #1: The Leonard Cohen Fly Girls

From the years 1997-2007, My friends and I made little comedy sketches. There was no writer or director per se, we all collaborated on the idea. Here is the first installment of this series of movies I will be presenting on this blog, THE LEONARD COHEN FLY GIRLS.

Wonderland Of Awesome

Threejay welcomes you to the new blog, "Wonderland of Awesome". Herein you will see my thoughts and feelings about things I like, such as NES games, movies, music, books, pop culture, especially of the 70's and 80's, as well as things I don't like, such as pretty much everything else, as well as some surprises along the way!