NES games I have been playing

Most good NES games center around one memorable character and their journey. Nintendo wouldn't have achieved the success it has if it weren't for identifiable characters such as Mario and Link. It seems game developers knew that audience identification with a character - no matter how tenuous - could make or break a game. Is it any wonder that Ultra's Silent Service (1989) sucks so much? Just a fleeting glimpse of a guy in a beard is not enough. Sure, the controls seem dated today, but on the positive side, they could be considered a pre"cursor" (no pun intended) to the controls we are so used to today with DVD's. But that does not a good game make. Same with Acclaim's Star Voyager (1987). No central character = boring, stultifying tedium. So with that in mind I'm just going to give you a short sampling of some games I have been playing recently. Note they all have the central character thing in common.

1. KID NIKI (1987, Data East)



Bright colors, catchy, memorable music, silly and nonsensical enemies and just a general sprightly, upbeat tone make this Data East entry a winner. Data East was on quite a creative tear at this time, also rolling out the memorable items Karnov, Ring King and Breakthru, as well as Kid Niki, among others, all in 1987-88. Also noteworthy is Robocop from 1989. But memorable baddies such as Death Breath, who, rather futuristically, actually says "ki-yah" when attacking, an enemy that looks like Cookie Monster in a plastic bag, Horned Witch, and Mad Monk keep you engaged in the lightweight fun. And isn't that what it's all about?

2. THE ADVENTURES OF DINO RIKI (1989, Hudson)



Don't get confused by the similarly named hero from the above. This has some of the Hudson trademarks we all know and love: the title involves the word "adventure (s)" as in "Island", it takes a cute central character and drops them in a bucolic environment, and, most obviously, it's really freakin' HARD! As far as I know, this is a vertical scrolling game, I say that because level 2 could be horizontal scrolling, but I haven't gotten that far! Much like Hudson's Starship Hector (1990), level 1 is vertical, and level 2 is horizontal, but level 1 of Starship Hector is so incredibly, unbelievably hard, it is a miracle to get to level TWO, much less beat the game! So there could be more variation to Dino Riki than I am aware of right now.
Dino Riki is a caveman that can get progressively more impressive weaponry, all of the "caveman" variety (rocks, hammers, boomerangs, and fire). You jump on lilypads that disappear. It's fun and addictive, but very hard. But so are most NES games.

3. Whomp 'Em (Jaleco, 1991)



Yet another thing that is great about NES is that it is before political correctness. Characters in Contra (1988), Commando (1986), and Jackal (1988) and others smoke cigarettes and cigars, and ethnic stereotypes and broken english run rampant. This could NEVER happen today. Right along in this tradition is Whomp 'Em, the tale of a young Indian brave that fights the baddies with his magical pole. It's truly a beautiful thing. Of course it's not demeaning or insulting in any way. The Indian is the fearless hero. But still, fun and entertaining games like this would be censored and there would be lawsuits if it was released today. Like the great other Jaleco game, Shatterhand (also 1991), you can pick the levels and and do them in any order you choose, after completing level 1. Great graphics, imaginative levels, an original hero, great music, a taste of a bygone era and even a small dash of the forbidden, add to the fun of this great and worthy game.

4. Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu (1990, Hudson)



Perhaps I have saved the best for last today? Hudson strikes gold once again, proving you cannot go wrong with big, bright characters and backgrounds combined with excellent music. This game takes the "central character you care about" idea I've been talking about to it's logical conclusion - make the central character an actual person. Take a person that truly exists in this world, and who you most likely have rooted for in the movies, and make him the main character in the game. I can only imagine releasing a Jackie Chan game at this point in time in America was something of a gamble, as he was not as well known then. But the game most likely featured him because he was, and continues to be, one of the most, if not THE most, famous person in the world. But that aside, this game definitely lives up to the bigness of Jackie's stature - Hudson pulled out all the stops on this one. I'm sure Jackie himself would approve of the color, the gameplay, the CHINESE-NESS of the game, and, perhaps most memorably, the MUSIC, which is among the best I have heard in all NES's history. A must-have game, Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu may have paved the way from the gritty earlier Chan (Police Story, Crime Story) to the goofy, fun Chan (Mostly everything well-known in the U.S.), but it is a testament that that transition comes in the form of a little-known NES title. Great and recommended stuff.

My records WILL be in heaven, stop arguing with me!

There was a metal band in the 80's and early 90's called VIKING. They released two albums on the Metal Blade label. However, before their second and final album, entitled "Man of Straw" was completed, at least one member of the band went Christian and decided to change the lyrics to some of the songs because he (or they, I'm not really sure) felt that they did not fit with the Christian image he was now pursuing.
I once read an article with the main guy behind this decision. It was a while ago as you can tell from my lack of remembering the details, but that's just the point: something he said really stuck with me, and not in a good way.
I believe he works in a church now, and that is all well and good, but he said something to the interviewer to the effect of: "In heaven, your record collection won't be there. Heaven is much deeper than your record collection". First off, anyone reading this article is a fan of heavy metal music...EIGHTIES heavy metal music, so they're obviously not going to heaven. Secondly, this really offended my delicate sensibilities. My first question after reading that statement was, "What's the point of heaven if my record collection isn't there?"
The way I see it, if my record collection is not there, it's not heaven. Period, end of sentence. Why be good and follow all of God's laws here on earth if I won't even be reunited with the one thing that made living worthwhile in the first place?

I would also like to add that in my vision of Heaven, not only will my entire record collection be there, but also ALL the rare, hard to find CD's LP's, Cassettes, Cassingles, CD5's and anything else that I wasn't able to track down during my earthly existence or was too expensive or too out of reach, will be there as well. That gives me an incentive to follow those commandments, however many of them there are.
I know, this God guy was trying to make a point about how material possessions have no place in the Kingdom of the Lord. I'm not blind to that. But I'm just being realistic. Why would God take away happiness once I get to heaven? That's not fair, it doesn't make any sense, and, frankly, it's not very heavenly. Because if I'm supposed to go all eternity floating around in the sky without ANYthing involving Dee Snider, why bother?
I suppose I can gather from what the man said, that if your record collection is not waiting for you in heaven, the only way to be reunited with it in the afterlife is to go to hell. Now is that very Christian? Or should I say SISTER Christian? Hm.

Food, part 1 (AKA: I Like Ice Cream)

PIZZA:
I don't consider myself a snob in any way, shape or form, and snobbishness in others is one of the qualities I hate most when I come across it. However, I reserve the right to be a snob about ONE thing: Pizza. Growing up in this area, I really had no choice. New Haven is known for two things only: Yale and Pizza. Because of the Wooster street area, and the large influx of Italians into the country in the olden days, the food known as "pizza" became prevalent. In Hamden alone, new pizza places continue to open. Clearly the market is not flooded and the demand for this wonder food is higher than ever. It was in this pizza-soaked environment that I have grown up and I know no other way of life. I have had every type of pizza and have spent, if you were to total it all up, probably months of my life eating pizza.

So with this in mind I will tell you some personal preferences. I believe pizza should have a thin crust. I think Chicago-style "deep dish" so-called "Pizza" is a corruption. Pizza is not made by putting a bunch of mushrooms in a ceramic bowl, covering it with dough, then sauce, then serving it. That is NOT pizza. Just call it something else. Chicago-style deep dish "pizza" should simply be renamed. It's a different food from what the rest of the world knows and recognizes as pizza.

Personally, I prefer pizza should have some kind of toppings. I'm not all that fond of just plain cheese pizza. I think it's boring. When I get sausage or pepperoni, I like to add onion. I think a sausage and onion or pepperoni and onion pizza gives the overall experience a contrast. The onion gives it a sweetness that works well with the meat and cheese. This simple addition gives it all another dimension and enhances the pizza-eating experience. If I think of more to say about pizza, I will add it later.



ICE CREAM:
In the interest of being edgy and having an in-your-face, extreme, awesomely outrageous, mountain-dew drinking attitude, I will say something so controversial, you might want to turn off your computer right now. I like ice cream. Yes, I went there. In these troubled times, I believe it takes a man of principle to say what he really believes. But in all seriousness, I think that ice cream is one of the greatest gifts of life and we should all be very happy and grateful it was invented in our lifetime.

Have you ever met anyone that has said they don't like ice cream? I feel like I have and it was a very troubling and confusing experience. You just want to shake them and scream "what is WRONG with you?" Disliking ice cream should be labeled a type of mental disorder and should be an internationally recognized defect of the human mind.

Now, there are many things you can put ON ice cream. In my opinion, most ice cream is fine on its own with no frills. But whipped cream is the most obvious choice for a topping and does enhance the whole experience. What onions are to pizza, whipped cream is to ice cream. Depending on where you live, you may prefer what are alternately known as shots, sprinkles or jimmies. Most people in Connecticut say "sprinkles", but it varies state to state. Just like hoagies, grinders or subs, or even the storied difference between soda and "pop", it is a regional thing. If you live in a place where soda is known as "pop" please just stop now. I would be remiss if I left out hot fudge. Words can't describe the beauty of hot fudge. You take FUDGE, which everybody knows and loves, and liquefy it. You think that would be good enough. But to heat it up is the stroke of genius and to add it to ice cream and whipped cream is almost too much of a good thing.



I have given you an example of a great meal: pizza and ice cream. Stay tuned for future entries about Mexican food, Indian food, soda, various meats and cheeses, and maybe a few surprises!

Snap Bracelets

I originally planned to call this blog entry "A Snap Bracelet Gallery", but I couldn't collect enough material online to make that happen the way I envisioned. I thought there would be a wealth of information on the snap bracelet (alternatively labeled the "slap bracelet" -- it must be a regional thing, like the way certain foods have different names in different places -- see the above blog "Food Part 1 (AKA I Like Ice Cream) for further details on this).



So despite the dearth of information on the snap (or slap, I prefer snap) bracelets, I will soldier on. They were a trend in the early 90's of a piece of thin plastic that you would "snap" on your wrist and it would curl into a bracelet. That's it. This trend caught on like wildfire, and why not? It's utter brilliance lies in its simplicity. Whoever invented these things is laughing all the way to the bank. I guess all it takes is one tiny little bolt of inspiration to come up with a trend that all the kids want. It doesn't matter if people call it "stupid" or "frivolous", it just has to have an addictive quality that easily influenced children want to be a part of. Woe be to you if you do not have a snap bracelet or think it is a dumb idea. You will be ostracized, at least until the trend inevitably dies, then you will be thought a hero for resisting the trend and it will look like you had a lot of foresight. Just kidding.



You know the world is going to hell when snap bracelets start becoming banned, and hated by teachers and parents because kids are cutting their wrists with them. That was the absolute end. Not just of this trend, but of everything in society. With political correctness on the rise at the time, and maybe a few kids scratching their wrists with them, these two things combined to create a furor and an outright BAN on snap bracelets. To my mind, that symbolizes the absolute end, the total weakness of the culture. When you can't even snap a bracelet on your wrist for God's sake, what else is there? What else to we have to cling to? Even the most inane and harmless trend for kids was banned. Unbelievable. It's all over, I tell ya. All over.



Perhaps there is a chance we could someday see the return of the snap bracelet. But kids today fancy themselves more sophisticated. They have their myspace and their facebook and their blackberry and their blackface and their bookface and whatever else in the world, and, sadly...VERY sadly, a cheap piece of plastic you snap on your wrist no longer has a chance.

Climbing Mountains and Rocks: A Very Selfish Impulse

I'm all for human achievement. Personally, I'm a huge fan of it. But I believe there is a pivot point where some misguided people confuse "human achievement" with "arrogant showoff". And that pivot point is the inexplicable desire some people apparently have to climb rocks and mountains.

First, there are rock climbers. These are the people that believe dressing up in spandex and tying themselves to a harness is the same thing as achieving something. If they are so obsessed with "risk" why do they have a harness at all? Why not put their money where their mouth is an climb rocks without a harness? Rather than do volunteer work or help the elderly, some mountain-dew drinking jackasses believe they are honestly accomplishing something worthwhile as they do something vertically instead of horizontally. They look at a rock that just happens to be there, that has been there since time immemorial, and they think of their OWN recognition. They want accolades for putting forth the time and the effort to scale a rock. I believe this is a nonsensical, selfish impulse and perhaps it is because they didn't receive enough attention from their parents when they were children. So the only way to make up for lost time is to get an attention grabber that is BIG - as big as a giant rock. Because actually talking to their parents or developing meaningful relationships with people is actually hard, and inanimate rocks don't have feelings and emotions. So, there is LESS risk, not more. It is a way of hiding, yet they want recognition from the world for their "achievements". I say they can't have it both ways.

So, inevitably, those "rock-climbing stations" sprung up - those places indoors where people climb faux-rocks and are harnessed from here to next tuesday. I say "inevitably" because they found something they already find safe, even safer. It proves they are obsessed with safety, not risk. They still won't leave their comfort zone, even if their comfort zone seems a little strange to some of us. Yet they want to be seen as daredevils and wild, crazy risk-takers. I believe that's what you call "hypocrisy".

As for mountain climbers, everything said above applies, but this time there are many, many cases of people self-centeredly trying to climb a snowy mountain, and getting trapped and dying. Is knowing a behavior is risky and doing it anyway a reason for a pat on the back? If that is the case, why don't I celebrate the behavior of drug users? Is getting your name in a newspaper reason enough to attempt something so "daring"? What's so great about your name anyway, that you feel the world needs to know it? And simply because you just HAD to climb a mountain? I guess it's not so much the desire to climb mountains and rocks that I find puzzling, it's that prideful, arrogant, conceited, self-centered, smug, boastful rock/mountain climbers honestly believe this is somehow an achievement. The only "achievement" they want is to have people know who they are and congratulate them for all their hard work. But they do nothing that benefits society. Neither do I, but I never sought the desperate attention of my fellow man for a phony achievement.

I Love Garbage Pail Kids

Another great piece of creativity and brilliance in the golden 80's came in the form of Garbage Pail Kids. For those who don't know, they were trading cards manufactured by Topps that were a reaction to the then-current trend of Cabbage Patch Kids. If there was going to be an annoyingly saccharine moneymaking phenomenon such as Cabbage Patch Kids, GPK were going to come in and rain on their parade. Parents weren't trampling themselves in stores to get those moon-faced Cabbage Patch Kids before long.



I was very into GPK as a kid. Something about the artwork was fascinating. There was, and is, a strange dichotomy between something that obviously took a lot of work to plan and execute, and putting that level of effort into something so juvenile and disgusting. Who created this? Where did they come from? Why did they care so much about grossing out kids and offending parents?



Now it is easy, in our internet age, to find the answers to these gnawing questions, and to more richly appreciate the genius of a man like John Pound. However, this is more a personal reminiscence. For example, I remember they were very popular, and only this one particular store, which was really like a candy, gum and cigarette store, not even a convenience store, ever had them in stock. It was about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would drive there and it would be extremely exciting. Just the smell of a new, freshly sealed pack - the only way I can describe it is sweet and thinly plasticky - chiefly due to the rock-hard rectangle of gum enclosed within - would be enough to send your imagination reeling. How would I be grossed-out today? What irreverent sight would I see? How many puns can they use involving peoples' names? It was all a mystery. They often had cartoons and puzzles on the backs of the cards to further enhance the experience.



Could it be that GPK appealed to a certain side of all of us...a neglected side, where we felt like an outcast or unwanted? Could we relate on some level to these kids no one wanted, and no one wanted to pay attention to, these "Garbage Pail Kids", and we felt a kinship with them, and an empathy? Or we just like to see kids throwing up garbage? Nevertheless, the series had to keep outdoing itself, and they got grosser and grosser as they went along, in my opinion. For example, did we really need to see "rat sucker Randall" licking a dead rat on a stick like an ice cream cone? Inevitably, a movie was made to further enhance the name of GPK. It didn't work. The movie is a disappointment, but, like so many 80's movies, it has an awesome theme song. The end of the trend had sadly arrived, and a planned 16th series was never issued.



GPK were so popular, there were knockoffs such as "trash can tots" and "garage pale kids". Also, they were popular all over the world. For example, in Germany they were known as "Die Total Kaputten Kids", In Australia as "the Garbage Gang", in Brazil as "Gang do Lixo", in Italy as "Sgorbions", and on and on. In the 2000's, there was a new version of GPK, just like the new versions of He-Man and Transformers, but by now it isn't the same for me. Maybe a kid or two will see the new ones and be interested in the original series. For me, it was the closest thing I had experienced to the "Pokemon" phenomenon, because I wanted to "catch them all". I still look at the ones I still have. But never fear, because as long as there are collectors, websites devoted to them, and a faithful global following, and as long as the cards still exist in one form or another...remember..."YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!"

People With Girlfriends (Or Wives)

Comedian Amanda Melson has said that the fact that OJ Simpson has a girlfriend "Is an affront to single people everywhere". As a single person myself (Shock of the century!) I would like to add to what Melson has said. I'm not complaining - just making some observations for entertainment or maybe informational purposes.



It has been said that "Even Hitler had a girlfriend". It's even the title of a movie. I think there's a song by that name as well. This has to top the list.



After seeing the Dr. Phil-like relationship success OJ had with Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman pictured above, Christine Prody, came running into OJ's murderin' arms. I guess it has never dawned on her that she looks a lot like Nicole. I guess OJ is killing her with kindness.



John Mark Karr, the inexplicable weirdo that claimed to be involved with the JonBenet Ramsey case, but actually was exonerated of any and all charges, used his powerful masculinity to lasso this quite attractive lass. Did I mention she has a daughter around the same age as JonBenet? She does.



John Hinckley, the man who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan and ended up shooting him once, in a foolproof endeavor to impress Jodie Foster, is now in a mental asylum. But that hasn't stopped him from "getting his groove back". According to some reports, one is not enough, and he has 3-5 girlfriends. One of which supposedly killed her 10 year old daughter. How did he ever impress them without assassination attempts on great men?



This silver-tongued devil who clearly woos the ladies with his smooth words had plenty of "girlfriends" in jail - and many who aspired to be but had to be content writing him letters professing their love and devotion.




I'm sure all of Verne Troyer's model and actress girlfriends would be with him if he was a janitor in an elementary school and not in movies.



John Wayne Bobbitt Vs. Joey Buttafuoco: these incorrigible ladies men not only hooked in Lorena and Amy Fisher respectively, but are both remarried. This split-screen comes from their proposed bout of "Celebrity Boxing". And like the above Verne Troyer, both have sex tapes - Joey's amateur, John Wayne's as part of his post-castration porn career. A serial woman abuser with a reattached penis and a career in "adult films"? Where do I sign up?" ...."Your last name is 'Buttafuoco'? Where do I sign up?"


Lorena Bobbitt is also remarried. I'm sure her new beau isn't worried at all.

SPECIAL POLITICAL PORTION! -----------------------------



Speaking of pornography, we'll start the political section of this article with this picture that looks like a still from a 70's porn film. That was the start of an America-destroying relationship that is still thriving today. Note there is a second woman on Bill's arm. I believe that's what you call "foreshadowing".



That's Silda Wall Spitzer with the diabolically attractive Elliot Spitzer. I guess she is standing by him.


Senator Vitter and his wife Wendy. I suppose she is standing by him as well.



Larry and Suzanne Craig. I guess she is stan...well, you get the idea.



Dina Matos McGreevey. Apparently he came out as a "gay American."

I hope all these people enjoy their relationships. It is hard to find the right person, and they are all very lucky.