Snap Bracelets

I originally planned to call this blog entry "A Snap Bracelet Gallery", but I couldn't collect enough material online to make that happen the way I envisioned. I thought there would be a wealth of information on the snap bracelet (alternatively labeled the "slap bracelet" -- it must be a regional thing, like the way certain foods have different names in different places -- see the above blog "Food Part 1 (AKA I Like Ice Cream) for further details on this).



So despite the dearth of information on the snap (or slap, I prefer snap) bracelets, I will soldier on. They were a trend in the early 90's of a piece of thin plastic that you would "snap" on your wrist and it would curl into a bracelet. That's it. This trend caught on like wildfire, and why not? It's utter brilliance lies in its simplicity. Whoever invented these things is laughing all the way to the bank. I guess all it takes is one tiny little bolt of inspiration to come up with a trend that all the kids want. It doesn't matter if people call it "stupid" or "frivolous", it just has to have an addictive quality that easily influenced children want to be a part of. Woe be to you if you do not have a snap bracelet or think it is a dumb idea. You will be ostracized, at least until the trend inevitably dies, then you will be thought a hero for resisting the trend and it will look like you had a lot of foresight. Just kidding.



You know the world is going to hell when snap bracelets start becoming banned, and hated by teachers and parents because kids are cutting their wrists with them. That was the absolute end. Not just of this trend, but of everything in society. With political correctness on the rise at the time, and maybe a few kids scratching their wrists with them, these two things combined to create a furor and an outright BAN on snap bracelets. To my mind, that symbolizes the absolute end, the total weakness of the culture. When you can't even snap a bracelet on your wrist for God's sake, what else is there? What else to we have to cling to? Even the most inane and harmless trend for kids was banned. Unbelievable. It's all over, I tell ya. All over.



Perhaps there is a chance we could someday see the return of the snap bracelet. But kids today fancy themselves more sophisticated. They have their myspace and their facebook and their blackberry and their blackface and their bookface and whatever else in the world, and, sadly...VERY sadly, a cheap piece of plastic you snap on your wrist no longer has a chance.

Climbing Mountains and Rocks: A Very Selfish Impulse

I'm all for human achievement. Personally, I'm a huge fan of it. But I believe there is a pivot point where some misguided people confuse "human achievement" with "arrogant showoff". And that pivot point is the inexplicable desire some people apparently have to climb rocks and mountains.

First, there are rock climbers. These are the people that believe dressing up in spandex and tying themselves to a harness is the same thing as achieving something. If they are so obsessed with "risk" why do they have a harness at all? Why not put their money where their mouth is an climb rocks without a harness? Rather than do volunteer work or help the elderly, some mountain-dew drinking jackasses believe they are honestly accomplishing something worthwhile as they do something vertically instead of horizontally. They look at a rock that just happens to be there, that has been there since time immemorial, and they think of their OWN recognition. They want accolades for putting forth the time and the effort to scale a rock. I believe this is a nonsensical, selfish impulse and perhaps it is because they didn't receive enough attention from their parents when they were children. So the only way to make up for lost time is to get an attention grabber that is BIG - as big as a giant rock. Because actually talking to their parents or developing meaningful relationships with people is actually hard, and inanimate rocks don't have feelings and emotions. So, there is LESS risk, not more. It is a way of hiding, yet they want recognition from the world for their "achievements". I say they can't have it both ways.

So, inevitably, those "rock-climbing stations" sprung up - those places indoors where people climb faux-rocks and are harnessed from here to next tuesday. I say "inevitably" because they found something they already find safe, even safer. It proves they are obsessed with safety, not risk. They still won't leave their comfort zone, even if their comfort zone seems a little strange to some of us. Yet they want to be seen as daredevils and wild, crazy risk-takers. I believe that's what you call "hypocrisy".

As for mountain climbers, everything said above applies, but this time there are many, many cases of people self-centeredly trying to climb a snowy mountain, and getting trapped and dying. Is knowing a behavior is risky and doing it anyway a reason for a pat on the back? If that is the case, why don't I celebrate the behavior of drug users? Is getting your name in a newspaper reason enough to attempt something so "daring"? What's so great about your name anyway, that you feel the world needs to know it? And simply because you just HAD to climb a mountain? I guess it's not so much the desire to climb mountains and rocks that I find puzzling, it's that prideful, arrogant, conceited, self-centered, smug, boastful rock/mountain climbers honestly believe this is somehow an achievement. The only "achievement" they want is to have people know who they are and congratulate them for all their hard work. But they do nothing that benefits society. Neither do I, but I never sought the desperate attention of my fellow man for a phony achievement.

I Love Garbage Pail Kids

Another great piece of creativity and brilliance in the golden 80's came in the form of Garbage Pail Kids. For those who don't know, they were trading cards manufactured by Topps that were a reaction to the then-current trend of Cabbage Patch Kids. If there was going to be an annoyingly saccharine moneymaking phenomenon such as Cabbage Patch Kids, GPK were going to come in and rain on their parade. Parents weren't trampling themselves in stores to get those moon-faced Cabbage Patch Kids before long.



I was very into GPK as a kid. Something about the artwork was fascinating. There was, and is, a strange dichotomy between something that obviously took a lot of work to plan and execute, and putting that level of effort into something so juvenile and disgusting. Who created this? Where did they come from? Why did they care so much about grossing out kids and offending parents?



Now it is easy, in our internet age, to find the answers to these gnawing questions, and to more richly appreciate the genius of a man like John Pound. However, this is more a personal reminiscence. For example, I remember they were very popular, and only this one particular store, which was really like a candy, gum and cigarette store, not even a convenience store, ever had them in stock. It was about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would drive there and it would be extremely exciting. Just the smell of a new, freshly sealed pack - the only way I can describe it is sweet and thinly plasticky - chiefly due to the rock-hard rectangle of gum enclosed within - would be enough to send your imagination reeling. How would I be grossed-out today? What irreverent sight would I see? How many puns can they use involving peoples' names? It was all a mystery. They often had cartoons and puzzles on the backs of the cards to further enhance the experience.



Could it be that GPK appealed to a certain side of all of us...a neglected side, where we felt like an outcast or unwanted? Could we relate on some level to these kids no one wanted, and no one wanted to pay attention to, these "Garbage Pail Kids", and we felt a kinship with them, and an empathy? Or we just like to see kids throwing up garbage? Nevertheless, the series had to keep outdoing itself, and they got grosser and grosser as they went along, in my opinion. For example, did we really need to see "rat sucker Randall" licking a dead rat on a stick like an ice cream cone? Inevitably, a movie was made to further enhance the name of GPK. It didn't work. The movie is a disappointment, but, like so many 80's movies, it has an awesome theme song. The end of the trend had sadly arrived, and a planned 16th series was never issued.



GPK were so popular, there were knockoffs such as "trash can tots" and "garage pale kids". Also, they were popular all over the world. For example, in Germany they were known as "Die Total Kaputten Kids", In Australia as "the Garbage Gang", in Brazil as "Gang do Lixo", in Italy as "Sgorbions", and on and on. In the 2000's, there was a new version of GPK, just like the new versions of He-Man and Transformers, but by now it isn't the same for me. Maybe a kid or two will see the new ones and be interested in the original series. For me, it was the closest thing I had experienced to the "Pokemon" phenomenon, because I wanted to "catch them all". I still look at the ones I still have. But never fear, because as long as there are collectors, websites devoted to them, and a faithful global following, and as long as the cards still exist in one form or another...remember..."YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!"

People With Girlfriends (Or Wives)

Comedian Amanda Melson has said that the fact that OJ Simpson has a girlfriend "Is an affront to single people everywhere". As a single person myself (Shock of the century!) I would like to add to what Melson has said. I'm not complaining - just making some observations for entertainment or maybe informational purposes.



It has been said that "Even Hitler had a girlfriend". It's even the title of a movie. I think there's a song by that name as well. This has to top the list.



After seeing the Dr. Phil-like relationship success OJ had with Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman pictured above, Christine Prody, came running into OJ's murderin' arms. I guess it has never dawned on her that she looks a lot like Nicole. I guess OJ is killing her with kindness.



John Mark Karr, the inexplicable weirdo that claimed to be involved with the JonBenet Ramsey case, but actually was exonerated of any and all charges, used his powerful masculinity to lasso this quite attractive lass. Did I mention she has a daughter around the same age as JonBenet? She does.



John Hinckley, the man who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan and ended up shooting him once, in a foolproof endeavor to impress Jodie Foster, is now in a mental asylum. But that hasn't stopped him from "getting his groove back". According to some reports, one is not enough, and he has 3-5 girlfriends. One of which supposedly killed her 10 year old daughter. How did he ever impress them without assassination attempts on great men?



This silver-tongued devil who clearly woos the ladies with his smooth words had plenty of "girlfriends" in jail - and many who aspired to be but had to be content writing him letters professing their love and devotion.




I'm sure all of Verne Troyer's model and actress girlfriends would be with him if he was a janitor in an elementary school and not in movies.



John Wayne Bobbitt Vs. Joey Buttafuoco: these incorrigible ladies men not only hooked in Lorena and Amy Fisher respectively, but are both remarried. This split-screen comes from their proposed bout of "Celebrity Boxing". And like the above Verne Troyer, both have sex tapes - Joey's amateur, John Wayne's as part of his post-castration porn career. A serial woman abuser with a reattached penis and a career in "adult films"? Where do I sign up?" ...."Your last name is 'Buttafuoco'? Where do I sign up?"


Lorena Bobbitt is also remarried. I'm sure her new beau isn't worried at all.

SPECIAL POLITICAL PORTION! -----------------------------



Speaking of pornography, we'll start the political section of this article with this picture that looks like a still from a 70's porn film. That was the start of an America-destroying relationship that is still thriving today. Note there is a second woman on Bill's arm. I believe that's what you call "foreshadowing".



That's Silda Wall Spitzer with the diabolically attractive Elliot Spitzer. I guess she is standing by him.


Senator Vitter and his wife Wendy. I suppose she is standing by him as well.



Larry and Suzanne Craig. I guess she is stan...well, you get the idea.



Dina Matos McGreevey. Apparently he came out as a "gay American."

I hope all these people enjoy their relationships. It is hard to find the right person, and they are all very lucky.

Hall and Oates: Out of Touch

Everything about this is so great! One of the catchiest songs ever!

Hamden: A Town In Which For People To Live

Incorporated in 1786, I am just one of the 58,180 people that live in the town of Hamden, CT. I have grown up here, and today we are going on a "virtual tour" of the town. According to Wikipedia (where all factual information for this piece was taken, so make of that what you will), "In 2008, Fortune Magazine and CNN Money picked Hamden as #33 on their 'Best Place to Live and Launch' list, citing Hamden's great blend of urban and suburban lifestyles. The article also pointed out Hamden's exceptional education system as well as its 'New England Charm'". All pictures included herein were taken by yours truly, except one.



View of the Hamden sign and fountain in the center of town.

Also according to Wikipedia, the first truss bridge in the U.S. was erected in Hamden in 1823. It has since been replaced. But far more important and interesting is that this is the birthplace of the great Ernest Borgnine! He is a graduate of Hamden High like myself.


Here is the sign for the "park" named in his honor. Observe the second view:


It is simply a patch of grass in front of a depressing brown wall in a busy section of town. I believe Mr. Borgnine deserves better. Actually, this picture makes it look a lot nicer than it actually is. Elsewhere in town, there was a driveway to a golf course named "Ernest Borgnine Way", but that has since been taken down to make way for a sign that says "please clean up after your dog". Shame shame shame, Hamden! Borgnine deserves better. That's my motto. However, I suppose we should be grateful for what we have.


Center of town with the town hall in the background. The town hall is now vacant and all municipal offices have been moved to a more modern complex. Other notable Hamdeners (Hamdenites?) include Paul Fusco, the creator of ALF (see the February blog post), Thornton Wilder, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (for a short time anyway), and, of course, the great Eli Whitney.


This is the toughest, most badass piece of graffiti in town.


"But Officer, I was just following the sign! The sign, I tell you! The sign!!!!!"


Hard to argue.


Guys, I know you want to be first in the phone book, but this is going a bit overboard with the "A's", isn't it? It's not even realistic anymore. I think they need to have a little more faith in the phone-book-using public, that they won't just pick the first one they see, if such people exist anymore.


Arguably one of the better shoppees in town. Of all the shoppees, and there are many shoppees, this is said to be the best shoppee. I've never actually been inside this shoppee, but a lot of shoppeers that have shoppeed here have told me that as far as shoppees go, this is a great shoppee.


They put two "N's" in the word "Kryptonnite" to avoid that lawsuit with Superman.

HONORABLE MENTION: GHOST PARKING LOT R.I.P.



Despite being in over 100 art books, and featured on that show hosted by Leonard Nimoy, this art installation in the Hamden plaza was torn down in 2003. Rather than just be a place where people shopped, the Hamden plaza had other weird art things as well, such as a "crying rock" - a stone that appeared to weep (???)and a bunch of cones attached to some metal rods on a very high pole. Sure, everyone that ever looked at the cars described it as an "eyesore", but is that any reason to get rid of a classic, distinguishing feature of a town? Just to take away its uniqueness and make it more bland and mediocre, indistinguishable from other towns in the USA and elsewhere? I grew up with those tar-covered hulks, and every time I would go to Child World or anyplace else, they would be there, presumably hoping someone would appreciate them. That day never came. Sorry tarry (if that is a word) cars, you will live on in all of our hearts.



Well, I hope you enjoyed this little trip through Hamden. I guess we can thank its "Exceptional education system" for giving me the ability to write and photograph this article. Hamden really is one of the better towns in Connecticut. Granted, I haven't been to them all, but Hamden is definitely in the top ten. Maybe the top fifteen. I am thankful not to live in Moodus, Moosup or Mianus, CT. Or even "Voluntown" (what a cop-out name for a town...As if a bunch of volunteers got together and founded a town: "I know! Voluntown!" I guess "Volunteertown" was too long. That's just lame, Voluntown. Just lame).
On that note, it's time to wrap it up. I need to go watch Scott Burrell demonstrate the Cotton Gin on the History Channel. This presentation brought to you by the Ill Bros. and Pablo.

The Suburban White Rapper Fantasy

If you grew up in the suburbs during the 80's and/or the early 90's, and are male, you pretty much HAVE to like heavy metal and/or rap music. That is pretty unavoidable. MTV catered to these two fancies with two shows: The Headbangers Ball for metal, and Yo! MTV Raps for rap. Around the time both of these shows went off the air, rap-metal hybrid bands such as Limp Bizkit and Korn appeared. Coincidence? I think not. The two MTV shows proved their usefulness, then became obsolete once these new bands ruled the roost. Never mind that the bands themselves were embarassingly awful and truly cringe-inducingly bad. I think you see my point.

I personally have never even attempted, not even once, to try and rap. I feel I would just embarass myself. Just to be safe, I try not to ever say any rhyming words. But who hasn't dreamed of being on that stage, with unchallenged skills, the crowd following your every word? It is my belief that boys (men?) growing up in the allotted timeframe have fantasized about being a famous, successful rapper. Every single one of them has. Perhaps some more than others. Some have actually succeeded in making their dreams come true, but I am speaking more of a widespread fantasy than a career goal. They've daydreamed during school or work, or at home while watching TV of being like those rappers they have seen. There is something attractive about wanting to put yourself in the shoes of an alpha-male like LL Cool J or have your cake and eat it too and hang out with Aerosmith like Run DMC.

It all seemed very glamorous and also tantalizing because it also seemed very PLAUSIBLE. You didn't have to do anything HARD like learn an instrument or try and have a good singing voice. At least that's how it appeared. Rapping is a very specific skill and talent, but the ones on TV made it seem so easy. But so do great musicians.

All the major (perhaps all?) the white rap groups that "made it" were all good: The Beastie Boys, House of Pain, and 3rd Bass. No one would dispute the relevance and importance of these groups. I think that's because they all had to work harder to be respected with their peers. So they had to be better. 3rd Bass deserves special mention because they were smart, funny, way ahead of their time, had great criticisms of the industry, and MC Serch is as good as anyone in the game. Anyone reading this should go out and get their two albums, if you don't already have them.



Keep in mind I'm mainly speaking of what might be now called "old school", when rap was much, much, much better and also very different. With the advent of so-called "gangsta rap", a lot changed and a lot of the innocence went away and so did the emphasis on good lyricism and positivity. However, these aspects began to come back and can still be found nowadays.

Advertisers took notice, and hence the "free credit report dot com" commercials we all love so dearly came along. If advertisers have learned one thing, a surefire way to get people to buy your product is to have a white guy rapping.
In case my tone is not coming across, I'm kidding! I'm being sarcastic. Sometimes I do that.

With Yo! MTV raps now a thing of the past, and kids today with a myriad of other ways to hear and discover music, it is likely the Suburban White Rapper Fantasy will live on in the minds of adolescent boys everywhere around the world. As long as there is a suburb, a white kid, and a way for that kid to discover rap music, the daydreams will thrive. While maybe 4% will actually ACT on his fantasy and try to make it in the industry, that is really irrelevant to the phenomenon I am speaking about. Keep on dreaming, America!