I Love Garbage Pail Kids

Another great piece of creativity and brilliance in the golden 80's came in the form of Garbage Pail Kids. For those who don't know, they were trading cards manufactured by Topps that were a reaction to the then-current trend of Cabbage Patch Kids. If there was going to be an annoyingly saccharine moneymaking phenomenon such as Cabbage Patch Kids, GPK were going to come in and rain on their parade. Parents weren't trampling themselves in stores to get those moon-faced Cabbage Patch Kids before long.



I was very into GPK as a kid. Something about the artwork was fascinating. There was, and is, a strange dichotomy between something that obviously took a lot of work to plan and execute, and putting that level of effort into something so juvenile and disgusting. Who created this? Where did they come from? Why did they care so much about grossing out kids and offending parents?



Now it is easy, in our internet age, to find the answers to these gnawing questions, and to more richly appreciate the genius of a man like John Pound. However, this is more a personal reminiscence. For example, I remember they were very popular, and only this one particular store, which was really like a candy, gum and cigarette store, not even a convenience store, ever had them in stock. It was about 15-20 minutes away from my house. We would drive there and it would be extremely exciting. Just the smell of a new, freshly sealed pack - the only way I can describe it is sweet and thinly plasticky - chiefly due to the rock-hard rectangle of gum enclosed within - would be enough to send your imagination reeling. How would I be grossed-out today? What irreverent sight would I see? How many puns can they use involving peoples' names? It was all a mystery. They often had cartoons and puzzles on the backs of the cards to further enhance the experience.



Could it be that GPK appealed to a certain side of all of us...a neglected side, where we felt like an outcast or unwanted? Could we relate on some level to these kids no one wanted, and no one wanted to pay attention to, these "Garbage Pail Kids", and we felt a kinship with them, and an empathy? Or we just like to see kids throwing up garbage? Nevertheless, the series had to keep outdoing itself, and they got grosser and grosser as they went along, in my opinion. For example, did we really need to see "rat sucker Randall" licking a dead rat on a stick like an ice cream cone? Inevitably, a movie was made to further enhance the name of GPK. It didn't work. The movie is a disappointment, but, like so many 80's movies, it has an awesome theme song. The end of the trend had sadly arrived, and a planned 16th series was never issued.



GPK were so popular, there were knockoffs such as "trash can tots" and "garage pale kids". Also, they were popular all over the world. For example, in Germany they were known as "Die Total Kaputten Kids", In Australia as "the Garbage Gang", in Brazil as "Gang do Lixo", in Italy as "Sgorbions", and on and on. In the 2000's, there was a new version of GPK, just like the new versions of He-Man and Transformers, but by now it isn't the same for me. Maybe a kid or two will see the new ones and be interested in the original series. For me, it was the closest thing I had experienced to the "Pokemon" phenomenon, because I wanted to "catch them all". I still look at the ones I still have. But never fear, because as long as there are collectors, websites devoted to them, and a faithful global following, and as long as the cards still exist in one form or another...remember..."YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!"

People With Girlfriends (Or Wives)

Comedian Amanda Melson has said that the fact that OJ Simpson has a girlfriend "Is an affront to single people everywhere". As a single person myself (Shock of the century!) I would like to add to what Melson has said. I'm not complaining - just making some observations for entertainment or maybe informational purposes.



It has been said that "Even Hitler had a girlfriend". It's even the title of a movie. I think there's a song by that name as well. This has to top the list.



After seeing the Dr. Phil-like relationship success OJ had with Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman pictured above, Christine Prody, came running into OJ's murderin' arms. I guess it has never dawned on her that she looks a lot like Nicole. I guess OJ is killing her with kindness.



John Mark Karr, the inexplicable weirdo that claimed to be involved with the JonBenet Ramsey case, but actually was exonerated of any and all charges, used his powerful masculinity to lasso this quite attractive lass. Did I mention she has a daughter around the same age as JonBenet? She does.



John Hinckley, the man who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan and ended up shooting him once, in a foolproof endeavor to impress Jodie Foster, is now in a mental asylum. But that hasn't stopped him from "getting his groove back". According to some reports, one is not enough, and he has 3-5 girlfriends. One of which supposedly killed her 10 year old daughter. How did he ever impress them without assassination attempts on great men?



This silver-tongued devil who clearly woos the ladies with his smooth words had plenty of "girlfriends" in jail - and many who aspired to be but had to be content writing him letters professing their love and devotion.




I'm sure all of Verne Troyer's model and actress girlfriends would be with him if he was a janitor in an elementary school and not in movies.



John Wayne Bobbitt Vs. Joey Buttafuoco: these incorrigible ladies men not only hooked in Lorena and Amy Fisher respectively, but are both remarried. This split-screen comes from their proposed bout of "Celebrity Boxing". And like the above Verne Troyer, both have sex tapes - Joey's amateur, John Wayne's as part of his post-castration porn career. A serial woman abuser with a reattached penis and a career in "adult films"? Where do I sign up?" ...."Your last name is 'Buttafuoco'? Where do I sign up?"


Lorena Bobbitt is also remarried. I'm sure her new beau isn't worried at all.

SPECIAL POLITICAL PORTION! -----------------------------



Speaking of pornography, we'll start the political section of this article with this picture that looks like a still from a 70's porn film. That was the start of an America-destroying relationship that is still thriving today. Note there is a second woman on Bill's arm. I believe that's what you call "foreshadowing".



That's Silda Wall Spitzer with the diabolically attractive Elliot Spitzer. I guess she is standing by him.


Senator Vitter and his wife Wendy. I suppose she is standing by him as well.



Larry and Suzanne Craig. I guess she is stan...well, you get the idea.



Dina Matos McGreevey. Apparently he came out as a "gay American."

I hope all these people enjoy their relationships. It is hard to find the right person, and they are all very lucky.

Hall and Oates: Out of Touch

Everything about this is so great! One of the catchiest songs ever!

Hamden: A Town In Which For People To Live

Incorporated in 1786, I am just one of the 58,180 people that live in the town of Hamden, CT. I have grown up here, and today we are going on a "virtual tour" of the town. According to Wikipedia (where all factual information for this piece was taken, so make of that what you will), "In 2008, Fortune Magazine and CNN Money picked Hamden as #33 on their 'Best Place to Live and Launch' list, citing Hamden's great blend of urban and suburban lifestyles. The article also pointed out Hamden's exceptional education system as well as its 'New England Charm'". All pictures included herein were taken by yours truly, except one.



View of the Hamden sign and fountain in the center of town.

Also according to Wikipedia, the first truss bridge in the U.S. was erected in Hamden in 1823. It has since been replaced. But far more important and interesting is that this is the birthplace of the great Ernest Borgnine! He is a graduate of Hamden High like myself.


Here is the sign for the "park" named in his honor. Observe the second view:


It is simply a patch of grass in front of a depressing brown wall in a busy section of town. I believe Mr. Borgnine deserves better. Actually, this picture makes it look a lot nicer than it actually is. Elsewhere in town, there was a driveway to a golf course named "Ernest Borgnine Way", but that has since been taken down to make way for a sign that says "please clean up after your dog". Shame shame shame, Hamden! Borgnine deserves better. That's my motto. However, I suppose we should be grateful for what we have.


Center of town with the town hall in the background. The town hall is now vacant and all municipal offices have been moved to a more modern complex. Other notable Hamdeners (Hamdenites?) include Paul Fusco, the creator of ALF (see the February blog post), Thornton Wilder, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (for a short time anyway), and, of course, the great Eli Whitney.


This is the toughest, most badass piece of graffiti in town.


"But Officer, I was just following the sign! The sign, I tell you! The sign!!!!!"


Hard to argue.


Guys, I know you want to be first in the phone book, but this is going a bit overboard with the "A's", isn't it? It's not even realistic anymore. I think they need to have a little more faith in the phone-book-using public, that they won't just pick the first one they see, if such people exist anymore.


Arguably one of the better shoppees in town. Of all the shoppees, and there are many shoppees, this is said to be the best shoppee. I've never actually been inside this shoppee, but a lot of shoppeers that have shoppeed here have told me that as far as shoppees go, this is a great shoppee.


They put two "N's" in the word "Kryptonnite" to avoid that lawsuit with Superman.

HONORABLE MENTION: GHOST PARKING LOT R.I.P.



Despite being in over 100 art books, and featured on that show hosted by Leonard Nimoy, this art installation in the Hamden plaza was torn down in 2003. Rather than just be a place where people shopped, the Hamden plaza had other weird art things as well, such as a "crying rock" - a stone that appeared to weep (???)and a bunch of cones attached to some metal rods on a very high pole. Sure, everyone that ever looked at the cars described it as an "eyesore", but is that any reason to get rid of a classic, distinguishing feature of a town? Just to take away its uniqueness and make it more bland and mediocre, indistinguishable from other towns in the USA and elsewhere? I grew up with those tar-covered hulks, and every time I would go to Child World or anyplace else, they would be there, presumably hoping someone would appreciate them. That day never came. Sorry tarry (if that is a word) cars, you will live on in all of our hearts.



Well, I hope you enjoyed this little trip through Hamden. I guess we can thank its "Exceptional education system" for giving me the ability to write and photograph this article. Hamden really is one of the better towns in Connecticut. Granted, I haven't been to them all, but Hamden is definitely in the top ten. Maybe the top fifteen. I am thankful not to live in Moodus, Moosup or Mianus, CT. Or even "Voluntown" (what a cop-out name for a town...As if a bunch of volunteers got together and founded a town: "I know! Voluntown!" I guess "Volunteertown" was too long. That's just lame, Voluntown. Just lame).
On that note, it's time to wrap it up. I need to go watch Scott Burrell demonstrate the Cotton Gin on the History Channel. This presentation brought to you by the Ill Bros. and Pablo.

The Suburban White Rapper Fantasy

If you grew up in the suburbs during the 80's and/or the early 90's, and are male, you pretty much HAVE to like heavy metal and/or rap music. That is pretty unavoidable. MTV catered to these two fancies with two shows: The Headbangers Ball for metal, and Yo! MTV Raps for rap. Around the time both of these shows went off the air, rap-metal hybrid bands such as Limp Bizkit and Korn appeared. Coincidence? I think not. The two MTV shows proved their usefulness, then became obsolete once these new bands ruled the roost. Never mind that the bands themselves were embarassingly awful and truly cringe-inducingly bad. I think you see my point.

I personally have never even attempted, not even once, to try and rap. I feel I would just embarass myself. Just to be safe, I try not to ever say any rhyming words. But who hasn't dreamed of being on that stage, with unchallenged skills, the crowd following your every word? It is my belief that boys (men?) growing up in the allotted timeframe have fantasized about being a famous, successful rapper. Every single one of them has. Perhaps some more than others. Some have actually succeeded in making their dreams come true, but I am speaking more of a widespread fantasy than a career goal. They've daydreamed during school or work, or at home while watching TV of being like those rappers they have seen. There is something attractive about wanting to put yourself in the shoes of an alpha-male like LL Cool J or have your cake and eat it too and hang out with Aerosmith like Run DMC.

It all seemed very glamorous and also tantalizing because it also seemed very PLAUSIBLE. You didn't have to do anything HARD like learn an instrument or try and have a good singing voice. At least that's how it appeared. Rapping is a very specific skill and talent, but the ones on TV made it seem so easy. But so do great musicians.

All the major (perhaps all?) the white rap groups that "made it" were all good: The Beastie Boys, House of Pain, and 3rd Bass. No one would dispute the relevance and importance of these groups. I think that's because they all had to work harder to be respected with their peers. So they had to be better. 3rd Bass deserves special mention because they were smart, funny, way ahead of their time, had great criticisms of the industry, and MC Serch is as good as anyone in the game. Anyone reading this should go out and get their two albums, if you don't already have them.



Keep in mind I'm mainly speaking of what might be now called "old school", when rap was much, much, much better and also very different. With the advent of so-called "gangsta rap", a lot changed and a lot of the innocence went away and so did the emphasis on good lyricism and positivity. However, these aspects began to come back and can still be found nowadays.

Advertisers took notice, and hence the "free credit report dot com" commercials we all love so dearly came along. If advertisers have learned one thing, a surefire way to get people to buy your product is to have a white guy rapping.
In case my tone is not coming across, I'm kidding! I'm being sarcastic. Sometimes I do that.

With Yo! MTV raps now a thing of the past, and kids today with a myriad of other ways to hear and discover music, it is likely the Suburban White Rapper Fantasy will live on in the minds of adolescent boys everywhere around the world. As long as there is a suburb, a white kid, and a way for that kid to discover rap music, the daydreams will thrive. While maybe 4% will actually ACT on his fantasy and try to make it in the industry, that is really irrelevant to the phenomenon I am speaking about. Keep on dreaming, America!

V.egetarians' E.nvy G.oes A.nother N.otch

I have absolutely nothing against vegetarians. If that's what you want to do with your life, I say good luck and Godspeed. The following is NOT meant to be a rant against vegetarians. If anything, what I'm about to say helps them assert their identity even more.


Food: Real

Well, that being said, let me get one quick complaint out of the way first. Whenever you eat with vegetarians, you always have to go their way. You have to get the vegetarian appetizer, the vegetarian pizza, whatever. You always have to bend to THEIR ideas about food and right and wrong, even in the most casual situation. Plus, there's nothing worse than a lecture about why YOU should be a vegetarian. Could there be another situation that more makes you want to kill yourself? As if, after hearing their self-righeous drivel, you will say "You're right! I've been wrong all along! Bacon really tastes BAD!" I hope, for their sake, no well-meaning vegetarian proselytizes to a group of animals. It will be the worst animal slaughter in history.

What I want to say concerns the "imitation real food" trend of late. Fake bacon, fake turkey, fake burgers, etc. This proves that vegetarians want to be like the mainstream of society, i.e., omnivores. On some level, besides jealousy, they know what they are doing puts them in sort of a kooky box. They don't want to be seen as "those nutty vegetarians", despite the fact that the choice is solely theirs. That's why their "bacon" assumes the form of real bacon, their "burgers" look like real burgers, and every other fake food they have churned out of their fraud factories resembles - physically resembles - food made from animals.

I can't help but wonder why they choose to do it this way. They could obviously make the food look like anything. If, hypothetically, hamburger patties were blue and star-shaped, fake vegetarian burgers would be blue and star-shaped. If bacon, in the real world, was yellow and square, fake bacon would be yellow and square. The meat versions are the originals. They came first. The manufactured vegetarian versions are the imitations. They came second.


Food: ????

The fact that the makers of the fake versions of the food chose to put their twisted mockeries of bacon and hamburgers into the same size and shape as the originals shows that they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to be vegetarians and hold on to their moral superiority, and also eat "bacon", "turkey", "hamburgers", etc.

The consumers of this fraudulent material also seem to have no problem with the resemblance to the foods they are copying. They want to say "hey look! I'm eating a hamburger!" It's not a hamburger. It's a LIE!!!!

My question is, if they have the power to make their imitations look any way they want - which they clearly do - why not make the food look DIFFERENT from the originals? Why not show a little creativity? You want to be a vegetarian, you want to have your own little niche, you want to be original, different, your own sector of life just for you, you want to be in control when vegetarians and non-vegetarians eat out together in a mixed setting...well then prove it. Stop aping the food styles of those who you deem to be morally below you.
Aren't I right? Why go down in the moral sewer with us meateaters in any way, shape or form?
But, at any cost, you must have your "hamburgers" and "hot dogs" made out of God-knows-what.

I say, vegetarians, assert your independence. Don't be like meateaters at all. Stop imitating what we eat. This may sound a bit silly, but...make up your own food! Stop using ours, that WE invented, as your template. All the while scolding us with your other hand.

I believe God made us meateaters because meat tastes good, it doesn't make us sick to eat, it has proteins and other benefits, and we have incisors and other sharp teeth to handle it. The DAY meat stops tasting good, I will stop eating it. Or, if it converts to fake meat.

Media Arrogance and Childishness is Actually Dangerous!

The arrogance of the democrats and liberals is actually dangerous to us all. They are INVESTED in defeat in Iraq. Because even though they voted to send our troops there, they are now saying the war is lost. After they sent them there, they are bleeding away all their resources. THAT should be a crime. Not all of course, I'm specifically talking about scumbags like John Murtha and Harry Reid, and their mouthpieces like the repellant Keith Olbermann (more on him later). They had all the same information as President Bush about the reasons for the war, and now they call HIM a "liar". And they've been pounding this drum of "defeat, defeat" for so long, they will look like fools if (or should I say WHEN) we succeed. Thusly, their own conceited, vain, elite arrogance is more important to them than the lives of our brave soldiers and the success of the mission. Just disgusting. If it was in a novel or movie, you'd never believe it, thinking it too impossible that they could be so self-centered and blind. Their selfish attitudes do nothing except give aid and comfort to the enemy (I'm pretty sure that IS a crime - yet they somehow believe BUSH is the bad guy, some nuts even believing that he should be impeached!), thinking that if they just hold out for ONE MORE DAY, they may be able to carry on, possibly even succeed (I'm just telling you what they must be thinking). I mean, it saves them time, money and effort when our side is the one that is not all together, and even within the USA, certain factions are undermining the troops.

The media is the same way. They are invested in defeat as well, for no other reason than, should defeat occur (God forbid), that will simply reinforce what they've been pushing for years (interesting how it hasn't happened yet.) -- Once-great papers like the New York Times are now nothing more than a bunch of second-graders burning to say "I told you so". If it were socially acceptable, The headline would read "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah". Instead of being fair and balanced, the Times is just a liberal mouthpiece, whose stories in every section only reinforce the liberal attitudes of its owners and operators. That's not a NEWS paper. That's just a one-sided rag.Yes, you've made it perfectly clear that you want Obama to win. So much so, you've minimized his flaws and scandals, and when there are none about John McCain, you've MADE THEM UP! That is boldfaced one-sidedness. They're not even TRYING to hide it anymore. I'm pretty sure that's not the job of an institution that claims to be fair. I guess the WHOLE truth isn't "fit to print". No wonder it has lost all that money and its stock price has plummeted. I guess preaching to the converted only gives you half an audience.

On TV, if you classify MSNBC as "TV", you've got Keith Olbermann, a one-note, humorless dispenser of snarky Bush-bashing (big surprise) comments. He always has this annoying little smirk on his face, like he is so much better and wiser than his material. That is clearly not the case. For some strange reason, I'm guessing just to be different, the camera always seems a bit too close to his face. That may be different, but it's certainly not better. I mean, I don't know whose decision it was that we should all be CLOSER to Keith Olbermann's face, but the cameraman might want to think about dialing it back a few notches. He is quite the hunk, but still...
And what gives HIM the right to deem who is the "worst person in the world"? Who is HE exactly, anyway? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! (he apparently believes this is such a witty concept, it is also the name of his book.) Funny how the people he deems to be the "worst in the world" are always either Republicans or somehow involved with Fox News. (Disgustingly, even the promos for the show are laughably pathetic: "We're going to make fun of Bill O'Reilly, Coming up next!"...O'Reilly has NEVER ONCE mentioned Olbermann on his show. EVER! Yet Olbermann's entire career is predicated on O'Reilly-bashing. I believe that's what you call "sour grapes".)
My explanation here is purely psychological. He, and the rest of MSNBC, are angry, and, dare I say, bitter, that Fox News is successful and they aren't. So this childish vitriol comes out. We mustn't be jealous when our fellow networks become successful. This is a hallmark of a desperate, lesser mind. So...I see a theme developing. Those in the media are AGAIN overgrown children, forever stuck in the schoolyard: "Billy got an A on his test and I got a D. I hate Billy!" seems to be the working credo of MSNBC. (And what a success it is! Most people don't know the network exists.)

I would also submit that all this hatred of President Bush and his constant bashing is media-driven. Those "elites" in the media hate Bush, so, in their insecure, short-sighted arrogance, they want everyone else in the world to hate him too. Think about it. If you have control of all the media outlets, you can present the notion that Bush is bad. If that's what you choose to put out there, it is hard to escape, because there is a lot of media and a lot of demand for it. If it is what you are constantly fed, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and somewhere along the line it becomes "truth".
Think of it this way: take away all the media in the world and their constant drumbeat of Bush-bashing. Would there be such a negative public outlook of him? I think not. I'm not saying he's perfect -- far from it -- but I doubt we'd be surrounded by this insane, baseless HATRED of the man. I suppose after the Times gave away those CIA secrets, they weren't satisfied, so they must fan the flames of what they themselves started.

I wonder if the weasels at the Times and MSNBC and all the other corrupt media outlets have ever THOUGHT OF, much less personally thanked, even one of the brave soldiers who are sacrificing everything for our freedom. Even the media's freedom to bash Bush and the war! Somehow, I doubt it.